Here’s the thing. I have never ever…ever… expected anybody will read this post. But I do not care at all because I just want to share what I feel right now.
Anyway, have you ever feels like exhausted by social pressures that force you not to feels unhappy? Yash, I do. As though sadness, disappointment, or pessimism is no longer commonplace. In other words, it’s better to pretend to be happy because of being sad, disappointed, and pessimistic are contagious. Is it what they call toxic positivity in the real world?
I feel that all this time I’ve been living just to satisfy society. I am too happy to be praised and afraid of being scorned. Indeed, “pujian adalah ujian yang bersembunyi di balik huruf P“. It seems I can’t stand it anymore. I am not longer feel comfortable with my job or work environment (remember that today you are angry because someone “washed their hands” even though they contributed to your mistakes because of their negligence). Today I feel exhausted being productive that I actually couldn’t or wouldn’t. Actually, I can’t work under pressure. This is not my cup of tea anymore. Sadly, I am too scared about what people think about me e.g., what if I quit my job then I unemployed. I am not ready for it. I am not ready to be a neighbor’s gossip material.
This world is too big for me, the one that not big at all.
Lately, I’ve been thinking there’s nothing wrong if I live in the bubble that I build on my own? This means I should not care a lot and (maybe completely) be isolated from what’s happening all around outside my world.
What I want to do is… feeling truly happy being a gardener with my greenhouse that I build on my own, cooking, reading, or build a family and raise children and cats with loved ones, and most importantly, life is fulfilled with blessings. I want to be free. Neither being enslaved nor enslaving others (this is quoted from Bumi Manusia by Pramoedya Ananta Toer, lol). THAT IS THE BUBBLE THAT I WANT TO BUILD.
Lately, I’ve also been thinking it is ok being sad, disappointed, or pessimist sometimes. It’s not my fault that I can’t afford it because the “limit” signs me to know where I am. It’s okay to give up because that doesn’t mean I lose. Even if I lose, I should already feel victorious because I know myself already.
Long live for all of us, people are occasionally exhausted by social pressure which forced us to pretend to be happy and deny sadness, disappointment, anger, and pessimism. Here’s a song for us.